Pantless in D.C.

What do you do when you lose your pants in the middle of a very busy road in Washington, our nation’s capital?

If you are an actor-singer-dancer, you laugh it off.

If you are a sports celeb, you deny, then apologize, then sell T- shirts.

If you are a politician, you deny, then blame the opposition. Then with your loyal-wife standing on your right, you bite your lower lip and say, “Mistakes were made!” Like getting caught.

If you are in the media and you lose your pants in Washington, there can be other problems. Like who finds them. In D.C., that could be a deal-breaker. Especially when the first person they call is your boss…

Here’s how it happened to me:

A week ago Sunday, my granddaughter, Madison, and I decided to run an obstacle course in beautiful Rock Creek Park. Her mother dropped her off. We were both in shorts with a change of clothes so we could eat lunch in Georgetown later on. What could possibly go wrong?

As we were about to get into my car, someone pulled up. We went out to see her. I put my pants (containing wallet, money, cellphone) on the trunk of the car. For safe-keeping.

We left, got down the road and decided it would be cruel and thoughtless to go to a restaurant hot and sweaty from exercise. So in the name of climate change and humanity, we dropped the exercise and headed for Georgetown. And parked. But no pants, wallet, cash or cellphone.

Then I remembered putting them on the trunk of the car. We raced home.

Lots of traffic, a half dozen festivals going on. Tons of people. At my house, Madison, who still had her phone, started calling to cancel credit cards, debit cards, etc. Then there was a knock on the door. Guess what?

A nice, youngish couple was standing there with my pants neatly folded. They had found them, in the road, a half mile from the house. She’s a reporter here for a Pittsburgh newspaper. They checked the address, called my office and then walked them to my house. Talk about lucky! Nice, thoughtful people!

Later, I got an email from a nice young woman who works in a top job dealing with international affairs in downtown D.C. She found my phone. Again, a very nice, thoughtful person! Made my day.

Then I got two emails. One from my oldest son. The other from my boss. Why was I out without pants on?

Turns out, two people had called Federal News Radio and our sister station, WTOP, saying my pants and phone had been found, separately, in the street.

Newsrooms are hotbeds of gossip. Opinions as to the who, what, when, where of what happened varied. A lot.

Some thought I had been kidnapped or mugged. Maybe terrorists even. Others speculated that I was (as they had long suspected) gone senile. Another school of thought was that I was always weird and had picked a nice day to roam the city clad as nature originally fitted me out. Still others hinted darkly that, somewhere, a jealous husband was holding my Dockers!

Not guilty!

Though it started out badly, Sunday was a lucky day for me, thanks to some wonderful, concerned (not to mention, honest) people.

Now if the “wits” at the office will cool it with the jokes and accept my version of events, we can get back to work. Thank you.

NEARLY USELESS FACTOID:

By Michael O’Connell

The story that Donald Duck was once banned in Finland because he wore no pants is, sadly, just an urban legend.

The story came out of a money saving suggestion by Finnish politician Markku Holopainen to cancel the purchase of Donald Duck comics for youth centers in favor of hobby and sports periodicals. The youth center board agreed and unanimously approved the measure. When Holopainen ran for parliament, the press characterized him as “the man who banned Donald Duck from Helsinki.”

The international press had blown up a similar incident in the Finnish town of Kemi a few years earlier, with headlines about Finland banning Donald Duck because he wore no pants. When the news filtered back to Finland, the native tabloids reprinted the articles and international reaction, but the tabloids failed to verify the stories.

Source: Snopes.

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